Shoes at the door, coat on the floor, shirt and jeans discarded on the ground on the way to the bedroom. I sat cross-legged on my messy bed, holding my upper arms so tight my knuckles were white. I rocked back and forth, my curly cascades gently bouncing back and forth around my shoulders and face. Tear stains streaked my flushed cheeks. He had left a while ago, but the impact had yet again caught me off guard. With limbs like lead and my body sluggish, I attempted to stand to go get some food for my aching body. I couldn’t to move an inch. My stomach couldn’t take anything anyways; I tried to trick herself with logic.
So, I sat there in nothing but my boy shorts. I had managed to get those back on right after he left, but that was all before I sat down on the bed as I was. I shut my eyes tight, but the second I did every single image of him using me flooded my vision and pounded against my head. I reeled back and flashed my eyes open, trembling. He’ll find me again, my thoughts rose in desperate panic, Like he always does, he’ll find me. And I won’t be able to say no. The tears leaked from my eyes, streaming down my face like before. Sobs began to wrack my body, exhausted from the night previous and sleeplessness.
For hours, I stayed like that, the thought of ending it once and for all crossing my mind more than I’d like to admit. Somehow, just like every other time, I managed to get up and pull on my shirt before heading into the kitchen on weak knees to make coffee. The scent quickly filled the apartment as I waited patiently sitting on the counter. Ankles crossed and kicking back and forth slowly, I watched the drip drip drip of the dark liquid into the coffee pot. It sounded with a tiny beep, notifying me it was done. I hopped down from the counter and pulled out a mug from the cabinet, it didn’t really matter which one.
Coffee filled my mug and steam rolled under my nose comfortingly as I raised it to my lips to take a sip. I indulged in the scent, one of my favorites. The sky outside my kitchen window of my apartment was overcast, like a blank white canvas ready to paint a sunset on. In my boy shorts and shirt, I went to the couch, having refused to go back into the bedroom, and sat down in the same manner as before on the bed. It was there that I flipped on the TV and watched kids cartoons until my brain was numb just like the rest of me.